Dreams

Had a dream early this morning (in the neighborhood of 4:30 or 5:00) that had me out of sorts for a bit until I realized it was a dream.

I invited a friend to preach here at my new gig.  Just before service the head of my altar guild came to me and said, "He changed everything."

So two minutes before service started, we had to move everything -- chalice, paten, pall, corporal, cruets, lavabo towel & bowl, bread .... everything -- back to where it belonged in preparation for Eucharist.

As we were moving everything back into place, my friend and guest preacher was walking down the center aisle wearing my cope.

The real kicker though was that it was the members of my former altar guild who were working extremely fast, diligently, and accurately to get everything back in order.

Thankfully dreams are very rarely manifested in real life.

STOP IT!

I saw this on a FB post, then posted it to my own FB page, and now am posting it here for the rest of you:



Yes, there are some days.

Must be the hat

I tend to wear hats when I'm out and about.  Among other things, I don't have to carry an umbrella.

But apparently if you add a hat, either cowboy or fedora, to an ordinary pair of slacks, shirt, and sport coat, something drastic happens.

Today was now the third time in a short while that some random female has commented on my attire.

As I was coming out of the rehab center where I have a couple of people I was visiting, a woman was going in and said, "Are you a priest?"

"Yes."

"Have you seen John Smith today?"

"Um . . . no, I don't know him."

"You aren't with the Catholic Church?"

"No, I'm with the Episcopal Church."

"Oh . . . well I must say that you are looking very dapper in your priestliness."

"Thank you."

The Money Gap .... or, what the Church can learn from NASCAR

I was talking with a parishioner after services on Sunday and somehow we got on the subject of the Church and NASCAR ... stay with me.

Most congregations are running at some sort of a deficit.  The one we are facing is manageable; it's certainly not ideal, but we are optimistic that we are on an upward swing.  Other congregations are facing deficits in the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

How might we be able to cover these deficits, we wondered.  And after a bit of back and forth, I suggested that maybe our answer could be found in NASCAR.

"NASCAR???" she asked incredulously.

"Sure . . . Think about a car race.  Other than seeing a bunch of cars going really fast to the left, what do you notice?"

She thought for a moment and said, "Advertisements."

"Bingo.  Every car has a major sponsor.  Every car has a multitude of minor sponsors.  Every car's paint job is covered with advertisers.  So is the driver's fire suit and helmet.  The driver will never talk about 'my car,' but about the advertiser's car ... as in, 'Yeah, the Nationwide car was running really good today on those Goodyears.'

"So what if we sold advertising space for things in church?"

In short, we developed a way to get people to buy sponsorships for the various seasonal hangings (Christmas and Easter costing more than say, the 14th Sunday after Pentecost), the stoles I wear, the Advent candles, etc.  And then she decided we needed an electronic hymn board.  Every year during the Season after Pentecost we take hymn suggestions and incorporate them into Sunday services.  We could begin selecting hymns based on the highest bidder and advertise that on the electronic hymn board.  "The opening hymn today is 618, brought to you by Nancy Davidson."

I drew the line, though, when it was suggested that Communion be sponsored by Bud Light.

What I do, Part II

The previous post had a link to a Big 12 officiating crew before, during and after the game.  It's a good example of our life in stripes.

And for those of us on the inside, here's another video that will make you laugh out loud.  I have a feeling it will make you laugh out loud anyway.  Enjoy.

If Hitler and the Nazis officiated high school football.

Always Surprised

I visited a parishioner this morning.  She's elderly and relatively homebound, but also rather spry and spunky despite having various aches and pains that come with being mid-80's or so.

We talked a little about stuff, catching up with each other because it had been awhile since I had been out to her place.

Suddenly her face lit up and she said, "I have a joke for you!"

"Okay ..."

"Two little boys are in the hospital next to each other getting ready for surgery.  The first boy asks the second boy, 'What are you in here for?'  The second boy says, 'I'm having my tonsils out.'  'Oh,' says the first boy, 'that's easy.  They put you to sleep and when you wake up you get all the ice cream you can eat!'

The second boy then asks the first boy, 'What are you in here for?'  He replies, 'I'm having something called a circumcision.'  The second boy gets a horrified look on his face and says, 'Oh ... that's awful.  I had one of those when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!' "

After that, it was time for Communion.

Dreams

I have some fairly odd dreams.

This morning, just before the alarm went off, I was dreaming that some of my fellow football officials convinced me to officiate basketball.

They needed me because the local Catholic Basketball League needed officials who could celebrate Mass following each game.

Now there's a new twist on ecumenical relationships.

Basketball

Let's be clear:

I don't do basketball (well, unless we're talking about Gonzaga).
I don't like basketball.
I don't follow basketball.

But from what little I've seen, there is some serious weirdness going on this year in the NCAA.

New Jersey Institute of Technology, whose home court is basically a health club, beat Michigan.

Tonight, Incarnate Word beat Nebraska.

When the Tournament begins, I just might have to place a bet on those 16 seeds.

Just for fun

Mrs. Ref showed this to me today and it made me laugh.  All we need now is a Rebel Yell parody.

Humorous Hankies

In a former Association years ago, we always had an end-of-the-year banquet for the officials.  We generally had a good time, and it was kind of a nice way to say "Thanks" to our wives for allowing us to play.

The highlight of the evening was always the awards.  These were generally presented to officials who had something funny happen to them during the season.  There were also a couple of "serious" awards that were given out. 

One of our officials was a school teacher and he got the woodshop kids to cut, paint and put together awards in the shape of an official and stood upright like an Oscar.  I managed to collect three of the serious awards while I was there and one funny one.

When I moved to Montana, our group did no such thing, we were just too small.

But now that I'm here, and with a larger group, there is an end-of-the-year banquet.  My first was in 2011, but they did not do any awards.  I inquired about this and was told that they used to do them, but then people sort of got burned out, and nobody really did it anymore.

I decided to fix that.

Instead of the Oscar/Official thing (because that's too much work), I created plaques.  It's basically a piece of wood cut to a certain size, spray painted green with white yard lines, an RVFOA logo at midfield, "Humorous Hanky" and year at the top, a little yellow flag glued on it, and the name of the award at the bottom.  I get the wood and have it cut to size at a home improvement place, spray paint them and paint the yard lines.  Mrs. Ref handles the writing and flags.  Oh, I also drill a small hole in the back so they can hang it on their wall.

This will be the third year we've done it and, in good Episcopalian parlance, it is now an established tradition.  I have fun doing it and I think the other officials enjoy seeing them get handed out -- mainly because there are no shortage of nominations throughout the year.

Umpires are not Vampires

Sports officials are not always the most loved people around.  We get yelled at and booed on a regular basis and, according to conventional officiating wisdom, we're doing a good job if half the people are unhappy.  Some of the things I've heard are unrepeatable.  Some of them are borderline humorous, such as:

"If you had another eye, you'd be a cyclops!"
"Your socks are too tight -- they're cutting off the circulation to your brain!"
At an 8th grade game:  "Is there instant replay?"

And, of course, in some of the more extreme, soccer officials are occasionally killed.

However, I've never heard of umpires being compared to vampires -- until now.

Dreams

I've been having a boatload of dreams lately.  Not sure what that means, if anything, but most of them have revolved around the theme of football officiating.  I usually don't have football dreams until much closer to the season -- normally about a week before the first game when the dreams involve forgetting a piece of equipment.  This, of course, causes me to check my bag every night and, of course, nothing is missing.

But lately the football dreams are coming almost nightly.

Except for last night.  Last night I dreamt I was learning to be a dental technician under the tutelage of Tony Danza.

Can I go back to football?

A little fun

Came across this today and it made me laugh:

Muppet Christ, Superstar

A friend sent me an e-mail with this link:




Listen at your own peril and/or amusement.

Church Signs

Mrs. Ref got this from a FB friend of hers.  So I did a little searching, and it turns out it's the #1 hit on Youtube when you search for "church signs."

Enjoy.

Tax Time

So, yeah . . . I'm starting to work on my taxes.  This isn't the most fun time for people, and I have enough doubts about stuff that I'm willing to pay an accountant.

Every year I've been in my current location he has sent me a worksheet to go through in order to make sure that it all comes out right.  It has lots of questions I understand, lots of questions I don't really understand (so I offer my best-guess answer) and places for backup documentation (which I'm getting better at).

Anyway . . . The first box of information has information about my personal life:

Last Name -- Ref
First Name -- Reverend
SSN -- On File
Occupation -- Minister
Work Phone -- 123-456-7890
Cell Phone -- 123-654-0987
E-mail -- reverendref at email dot com
Birthdate -- Awhile Ago

All of those are already in his system.  Then we get to the part where I have to start checking boxes.  And the VERY FIRST question is this:

Blind ........ Yes ___     No ___

Does being a referee allow me to check YES?

Trying to figure this out

On my NYT feed this morning was a brief about an impending government shut down and efforts to yet again stall the Affordable Health Care Act.

This line caught my attention:

Acknowledging that likelihood, the House unanimously approved a separate bill to ensure that unformed military personnel would continue to be paid during that shutdown.

I'm trying to understand what an unformed military personnel looks like.  Is that a new recruit who has yet to be formed by military culture?  Is that someone who joined the military on their own as opposed to going through ROTC and does not have any officer formation training?  Is there a Commission on Military that concerns itself with the overall formation of our military personnel and, if unable to be formed properly, are not given clearance by the General to continue their process?

I Need To Know!

Are you serious?

So I'm watching ESPN this morning between Morning Prayer and when I head back to the office for the day while I'm eating breakfast.

They were doing a report on the Baltimore Ravens who are not the same team that won the most recent Super Bowl.  This is because they've lost players to retirement, trades, the salary cap and whatnot.

They've also, apparently, lost a player to a vast amount of stupidity.

As it was reported on ESPN this morning, Jacoby Jones was on a party bus (stupid mistake #1) and got into an altercation that resulted in a stripper hitting him over the head with a champagne bottle.

What's that saying . . . "The stupid -- it burns."

Lovable Luddite

I was doing my normal post-service cleanup yesterday and putting the new large-print hymns in their binders when I found somebody's cell phone laying on the counter in the narthex.

I managed to get the thing turned on and opened up (I pushed a large button and did the "drag to open" thing) and found myself in the list of contacts and recognized a few names.

"Perfect," I thought.  "I'll call one of these people, ask whose phone called them, and then contact the owner."

But I couldn't figure out how to call anyone.  Every time I tried, the phone asked me if I wanted to delete that contact.  So, not being able to figure out how to make a call, I scrolled through the contacts until I figured out who it belonged to.

And then I called the owner and said, "I think I found your cell phone at church."

"Oh yes ... just hang onto it and I'll pick it up tomorrow at Morning Prayer."

So today comes and she asked me how I figured out it was hers.

"Well, it opened up to your contacts and I tried to call a couple of people to ask who was calling them, but I couldn't figure out how to make a call with the darn thing.  It's apparently smarter than I am."

At which point she begins to laugh hysterically.

"Oh ... you are so cute.  It's not a phone -- it's a mini ipad!!  I mainly use it for audio books."

That's me ..... Luddite at your service.

Trains

Apparently Metro Train (or something like that) from Australia has a new safety pitch:



In the words of Sgt. Phil Esterhaus from Hill Street Blues, "Let's be careful out there."